I just got a prescription for sleeping pills.
I’ve resisted this for so long. After years (a lifetime?) of disturbed sleep, waking to terrifying images that either aren’t real or are in the past, and trying to find and fix the ‘root cause’ – usually some version of believing I’m not doing enough, healed enough, evolved enough, haven’t processed enough.
I’m ready to feel better and to not make it mean I’ve failed.
Being a 2 on the enneagram, I’m stubbornly and persistently resistant to my own human-ness. To having needs. It leaves me feeling self-righteous, disappointed, and exhausted.
When I confessed my sleep-struggles today, my doctor peered over her mask compassionately and said, “Breana, you deserve to feel well-rested.”
Her words landed in my middle, cracking my resistant armor and seeping through like warm pudding.
I do deserve to feel well-rested.
This doesn’t preclude my desire to get to the root, to give care and attention to past trauma or current grief. This is not an either/or.
Believing I have to choose between sleeping better or attending to my mental and emotional well-being is a lie. I can have both. And I can choose better sleep while or even before getting to the bottom of what’s keeping me awake.
As a mental health coach I know that so many caring people feel trapped by this false choice. Parents, caregivers, and people in relational professions often struggle to prioritize their own needs. Oppression and any sense of ‘other’ness can make it even harder.
Do you relate to this struggle?
What do you believe you have to choose between?
Let me know below. Together we can reclaim permission to care about how we feel.