Insecurity and self-doubt have been near-constant companions in my life for as long as I can remember. As a kid I worried that I was “annoying”, and spent so much time and energy curating my words and behaviors in hopes of not making anyone around me uncomfortable.
By the time I became an interpreter, I was a master chameleon. In some ways this served me well in that career – being able to take on and portray the world view, affect, and opinions of others. But internally, it left me feeling hollow and empty, or worse, at times anxious and insecure.
I spent so much time trying to conform to what I thought others wanted, that I hadn’t done the real work of developing myself. Feedback was painful and difficult to receive, because in my mind it meant someone was unhappy with me.
Part of the work of healing has been to identify my core values – why I care about the work I do, and the qualities I want to embody through it – and then to seek feedback from respected sources to help me translate those values into actions and skills.
When you have a supportive mentor in your corner, insecurities and areas of self-doubt can become welcome signals and signposts, showing you where to focus your self-development and skill-building work.
If you’re engaged in skill-building and self-development, don’t miss Shanna Grossinger of ASLMentors.com as she livestreams in The Burnout Proof Collective this Thursday! June 24th at 3:30 pm pacific – she’ll share meaningful tips for getting the most out of mentorship.
I’ve resisted this for so long. After years (a lifetime?) of disturbed sleep, waking to terrifying images that either aren’t real or are in the past, and trying to find and fix the ‘root cause’ – usually some version of believing I’m not doing enough, healed enough, evolved enough, haven’t processed enough.
I’m ready to feel better and to not make it mean I’ve failed.
Being a 2 on the enneagram, I’m stubbornly and persistently resistant to my own human-ness. To having needs. It leaves me feeling self-righteous, disappointed, and exhausted.
When I confessed my sleep-struggles today, my doctor peered over her mask compassionately and said, “Breana, you deserve to feel well-rested.”
Her words landed in my middle, cracking my resistant armor and seeping through like warm pudding.
I do deserve to feel well-rested.
This doesn’t preclude my desire to get to the root, to give care and attention to past trauma or current grief. This is not an either/or.
Believing I have to choose between sleeping better or attending to my mental and emotional well-being is a lie. I can have both. And I can choose better sleep while or even before getting to the bottom of what’s keeping me awake.
As a mental health coach I know that so many caring people feel trapped by this false choice. Parents, caregivers, and people in relational professions often struggle to prioritize their own needs. Oppression and any sense of ‘other’ness can make it even harder.
Do you relate to this struggle? What do you believe you have to choose between?
Let me know below. Together we can reclaim permission to care about how we feel.
Let’s start with a really tangible definition for the often nebulous concept of ‘boundaries’:
A boundary is a property line, as defined by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Photo by Rodrigo Kugnharski
The boundary tells you who controls the property, who has freedom and choices over the property, and who is responsible for the property.
Now let’s take that definition into the realm of our everyday lives, and pair it with a concept that can help us decipher our property lines.
Types of property
The property that boundaries are helpful for include:
Emotional – your feelings
Material – your things
Mental – your thoughts, ideas, and beliefs
Physical – your body
Time and Energy – your time and energy
Who owns the property?
According to Byron Katie, there are three kinds of ‘business’ in the universe. I like to think of this as ‘Who owns the property?’
Mine
Yours
The Rest (aka: God/Goddess/Universe/life/reality’s – pick the descriptor you resonate with)
I like to think of these three kinds of ‘business’ as three separate yards – like three pieces of property.
Mine – My yard contains those pieces of property that I control and am responsible for: what I do, what I say, how I feel*, how I spend my time and energy, my possessions and what I believe.
*Feelings get a little star, because they are by-products of our thoughts, beliefs, and circumstances – not as easily in our control, but nevertheless, still our property. You can read more about getting to know your garden here.
Yours – Your business is what you control and are responsible for. All those same bits of property: emotional, material, mental, physical, time and energy.
Life’s/God’s/reality – This is made up of all the things that are outside of my control and your control. Examples include: the past and the future, as well as elements of the weather, accidents, traffic, etc.
Photo by Brandon Nelson
Your map
With my yard, your yard, and Life’s yard, we’ve basically drawn ourselves a map of our existential ‘neighborhood’. Maps are cool on their own, don’t get me wrong, but the magic comes when we use them to navigate.
Some scenarios where this map comes in handy:
When you’re feeling stressed.
When you’re afraid someone will be upset with you.
When you feel compelled to say ‘yes’ even though you want to say ‘no’.
When you’re caught in the mental loop of ‘what if’s – worrying about the future.
When you’re upset or angry with someone else.
In any of these not-so-hypothetical cases, you can pull out your map and ask yourself: “Where am I?”
Photo by Daniel Gonzalez
Find yourself on the map: “Where am I?”
Let’s use an example from above, and ask this question: “Where am I?”
When I’m afraid you will be upset with me, the property I’m focused on is your feelings – specifically your feelings of being upset with me.
Whose yard do other people’s feelings reside in? Their yard. Their feelings are their responsibility. When I’m trying to take responsibility for them, I’ve left my own yard – walked right off my own property and onto theirs – which leaves no one home to care for me.
Walk yourself home
When you’ve found yourself trying to manage someone else’s property, walk yourself back home by asking:
“What’s my business?”
Identify what is in your control, or what is your responsibility, and take action.
That could look like:
Donating money, time, or resources to a cause you care about.
At first glance, boundaries can seem like a way to stop caring about anyone but yourself.
Let’s just sit with that. If you’re anything like me, that idea brings up a lot of fear about being selfish, putting my needs ahead of others, etc. When I pause, put my hand on my heart, and just feel those feelings of fear and guilt and breathe through them without feeding them more thoughts, they’re usually a lot quieter in 90 seconds or less.
The most compassionate people are absolutely the most boundaried.
Let that sink in.
The more I leave you to your work/business/journey/lessons, and the more I take responsibility for my own work/business/journey/lessons – the more compassion I’m able to have for you and what you’re going through!
Healthy boundaries are the foundation of empathy, authenticity, and accountability – and they’re an integral part of self-care.
I hope you’ll join us November 21st, 2020 for Healthy Boundaries for Interpreters. We’ll explore what healthy boundaries are, what makes them hard to hold, how to tune into your guidance system, and how to communicate your boundaries in a kind and honest way. I can’t wait to spend this time with you!
For now – a prayer for the waiting, for anyone who needs it.
Presence of Love,
Please be with me today.
Soothe my nerves and help me to be gentle with myself.
Give me focus and purpose –
even one so inconsequential as washing a dish or a window with care.
Give me the courage to feel what’s mine to feel,
to stay with myself and in my body
through the waves of emotion.
Remind me that feelings always have an end.
Give me hope in humanity,
in the miraculous and unexpected,
in my own ability to handle hard things.
Thank you for every bit of joy and comfort I find today.
May I receive it fully and use it to fuel my own pursuits of love and justice.
Healthy Boundaries for Interpreters – 0.2 GS CEUs – Our Saturday School LIVE workshop is happening on November 21st, 2020 from 10 am to noon pacific. Join us to discuss this tricky topic and develop tools to make holding clear, kind, healthy boundaries much easier. Saturday School LIVE workshops are a great opportunity to get to know other interpreters who are struggling with burnout and working on taking better care of themselves!
Put On Your Raincoat: Energetic Protection for Sign Language Interpreters – 0.5 GS CEUs – Interpreting work is sticky – especially in 2020! In this workshop you’ll create a raincoat to protect yourself from the energetic effects of interpreting work, with practices of self-reflection, self-compassion, and mindfulness.
As you’re spending time in your garden, you’ll notice uncomfortable emotions. This might be one reason you struggle to make time for yourself.
Emotions can be very inconvenient, downright painful, and at times excruciating.
Emotions are also called feelings, because we feel them in our bodies. Feeling things in our bodies is something that Americans in general, and white Americans 🙋 in particular, often avoid. This avoidance of feeling our feelings is at the root of many of our distraction-techniques and addictions.
How emotions relate to burnout
The first warning light that signaled my burnout was physical pain. I was unable to sleep, run, play with my kids, do yoga, or even brush my teeth without shooting, aching, burning pain in my wrist, arm, shoulder, neck, and head. I tried all the typical physical healing modalities I had access to: supplements, physical therapy, diet, chiropractic treatments, acupuncture treatments.
It wasn’t until I explored my experience of the pain with my own coach, that I began to uncover the years of emotions that were just sitting in my internal waiting room – begging to be heard. Together in that safe container of support, we made space for guilt, anger, sadness, regret, feelings of unworthiness, fear, and finally hope, joy, pleasure, and love.
Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.
Emotional exhaustion is one of the hallmarks of burnout, according to Herbert J. Freudenberger who coined his definition in 1974. Emotional exhaustion is described as, “fatigue that comes from caring too much for too long.”
Of the three components of burnout, emotional exhaustion is the one most strongly linked to negative impacts on health, our relationships, and our work – especially for women or those aligned with feminine cultural norms.
Every word of this Brene Brown podcast episode with the Nagoskis describes so beautifully how emotional exhaustion contributes to burnout and what to do about it. This is required listening or reading for every interpreter! Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle
Feelings always end
Photo by Jana Sabeth
When emotions are stored up without acknowledgment or space to be felt, they must get our attention in other ways. It can be so scary to allow these feelings to move through you. It can feel as if they’ll never leave or they’ll consume us – but I’m here to tell you:
They always end.
Just like a wave, crashing on shore, feelings have a beginning, a crescendo, and a receding conclusion. The more willing and intentional we are about giving them space and ways to move, the less backlog we incur, and the more clear, present, and grounded we can be – even through our experience of them.
This Saturday, October 24th, 2020, I’ll be teaching a specific practice for completing the stress cycle and allowing emotions to move through that you can be doing throughout your day. Check out Self-Care for Stressful Times and join us!
Keep a comfort object nearby – a pillow, soft blanket, or an essential oil. Juniper is especially helpful for fear. Set a timer, and when it goes off switch to an activity that feels comforting and safe.
Reach out to a professional – a therapist, a coach, a spiritual guide. Get support in place so that you can feel free to explore this messy, roiling mass that is our unprocessed emotions.
We’ll be talking more about ways to honor our own boundaries and to build trust with ourselves in the November Burnout Proof Saturday School workshop: Healthy Boundaries for Interpreters. Register to join us here.
Commit to staying with yourself
It can be really scary to feel some of these feelings, or you might not feel anything at all. Whatever you find here as you explore your emotions is a-okay. The most important thing is to stay with yourself. This means:
Don’t judge yourself or your experience. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Prioritize time and space for yourself – even if it’s just 5 minutes. Notice that you’re still here when the feelings pass. Allow yourself to feel proud of this scary accomplishment.
Set a timer for 5 minutes and be with your feelings. Maybe you have a certain situation you want to focus on to inspire the feelings, or maybe they’re already simmering at the surface. Just give them space and keep breathing through them.
This may be in your bedroom or bathroom, with the door locked, in your parked car, or outside while walking or running.
Let us know in the comments: What helps you access and process your emotions?
@keeleyshawart
Next Week – Pull the Weeds
In part 5 next week we’ll explore ways to identify the weeds in our thinking patterns and how to work with them when we find them. Because our thoughts feed our emotions, pulling the weeds helps to reduce how often we go through our stress cycle.
Until then, take such good care of your precious self.
This is part 3 in a series on Self-Care Strategies for Fear. You can find part 1 here, and part 2 here.
Self-Care Strategies for Fear part 3
Distractions are plentiful in this hurried life. Even when there’s not something important to be doing, our mind grasps at things to occupy it. This is normal. It takes intention, it takes presence, it takes mindful awareness to notice the departure from here + now, and to guide ourselves lovingly back home, to ourselves.
Cultivating a practice of spending time in this garden of your mind + body + spirit is a gift that will keep giving to every iteration of future-you. Every moment you spend with yourself, and every time you’re willing to notice those departures and walk yourself back home, your relationship with yourself deepens and grows and becomes more fulfilling.
Spending time in your garden can look like so many things. The possibilities are infinite. For as many unique minds and bodies and spirits as there are on this planet (and elsewhere?), there are that many different varieties of gardens. So what will yours look like?
me in my garden with my trampoline, oils, and journal
Maybe yours has your journal, trampoline, and essential oils.
… your crystals, yoga mat, and a Redwood.
… your bible, running shoes, and hot tub.
… your puppy dog, pillow, and ukulele.
YOU GET TO DECIDE!
Whatever your garden includes, it is yours, you can change it anytime you want, and you get to feel comfortable, safe, joyful, and whatever-other-emotions-you-need-to-feel in it!
Finding/creating/making/honoring time for yourself to spend in your garden can be tricky. I find that designating a consistent time has helped it to become a habit that I look forward to and count on. For me, morning time is my garden time – before most of my family wakes up. This practice has also made it much easier to jump out of bed in the morning, because I’m so excited for my special time with ME.
If you want some support, connection, and accountability to help you create a garden-time habit, I made you a Burnout Proof Academy course called Make Time for You!
Some of my favorite resources for spending time in my garden:
Spend 5 intentional minutes in your garden, enjoying your body, mind, + spirit.
Image by Thought Catalog
Let us know in the comments:
What are your favorite ways to spend time in your garden? What helps you to prioritize your garden time?
We’re sharing our favorite garden-time activities in The Burnout Proof Interpreter Collective private Facebook group. Come share yours with us too!
Sneak Peek: Be With Your Feelings – part 4
When we allow time to just be with ourselves, it can open the door to unprocessed emotions showing up uninvited or announced. The fear or avoidance of these visitors can keep us from spending time in our gardens.
Next week in part 4 we’ll explore what to do with these feelings that may arise. Spoiler alert: this might become your favorite part of the whole process!
Until next week, dear one, take good care of your precious self….and enjoy it!
Thank you to everyone who’s reached out to share your fears and how they’re affecting you. This is deep, scary work, and doing it with others can add a bit of comfort and grounding to the process. Keep reaching out!
Ok, are you ready for part 2? This piece is short, but sets the stage for the work we’re going to do over the next few weeks. Let’s dive in!
Cognitive Behavioral Self-Care Strategies for Fear
Photo by Miguel Cortes
Your Garden
Imagine your insides as a garden. I know it’s weird, but humor me. We want to create a visual representation of your inner world, so that you can more easily attend to it.
Photo by www.krstojevtic.com
Your garden lies within the fenced confines of a yard that is your very own. This outdoor space can look however you choose: it may have a beautifully manicured grape arbor, trellised veggies, rows of flowers, pea gravel and statues, or a wide expanse of lawn. This space is yours, and only you decide how it is maintained.
Soil + Seeds: Thoughts
Photo by Gabriel Jimenez
Within your garden, your mind is the soil – the rich, fertile, nourishing medium that cultivates life.
Your thoughts are the seeds carried through on the wind – some tumbling away and out of your garden, some finding a hold in the ground of your mind. Some of these seeds you grab, sow in the ground on purpose, water, and tend to – these are your beliefs.
Buds, Blooms, and Thorns: Emotions
Photo by Stella de Smit
Your emotions spring forth based on how situations and circumstances interact with your thoughts and beliefs. Emotions are a byproduct of our circumstances filtered through our beliefs.
These emotions are like the buds, blooms, and thorns of those seeds you planted in the ground. The emotions themselves are worthy of holding space for and feeling, but they also serve a purpose. They are like flag posts signaling to us that there’s a thought operating below the surface.
When an emotion feels uncomfortable – like sadness, jealousy, fear, and anger often do – we can ask ourselves:
What thought is driving this feeling?
The Fruit: Behavior
The last feature of our garden that we’ll look at today is behavior.
Behavior – what you say and do or have the urge to do – is like the fruit of the plants in your garden. Our thoughts stimulate our emotions, which in turn drive us to act.
Photo by Erwan Hesry
The more mindfully aware we are of the thoughts we’re planting and tending, and the emotions and sensations we’re experiencing, the better chance we have for our actions to be aligned with our values and intentions. On the other hand, if we’re not conscious of our thoughts and beliefs and haven’t chosen them intentionally, we may end up acting in ways that we regret.
Resources for supporting yourself as you get to know your garden
This week, spend some time with your journal and explore the features of your own garden.
Photo by Markus Spiske
Prompts to get you started:
Do you tend to be more aware of your thoughts, emotions + physical sensations, or actions? What helps you notice them?
Once you’ve identified your dominant feature, you can go forward or backward around the triangle to learn more about the others:
What thoughts do you have when you’re feeling (example emotions – substitute what’s relevant for you) sad, angry, frustrated, or jealous?
What emotions and physical sensations do you feel when you’re having these thoughts?
How do you act, what do you do, say, or want to do, when you’re thinking these thoughts or feeling these emotions?
In the moment that you’re feeling upset, this three-point check can be useful:
What am I thinking? What am I feeling?
What am I doing?
An important note:
We are observing, noticing, and increasing awareness here. Remember, a key component of mindful awareness is paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, without judgement.
As you bring your awareness to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, notice any judgement of yourself that comes up. It’s helpful to make a note of this too!
Self-Care Strategies for Fear: Part 3
Next week we’ll talk about what to do in this lovely garden of yours, to enjoy it, get to know it, and work with it. You can read part 3 here.
Be so gentle with yourself this week, dear one, and remember that you have a whole community of precious people here to support you in taking better care of your precious self. Reach out to me privately here, or join in our community in the Burnout Proof Interpreters Collective. I look forward to connecting with you more deeply as we continue to explore self-care strategies for fear.
How’s your self-care holding up? If you’re like most of us, it’s probably been pretty rough this year – but it’s not too late to get some support and turn it around!
Self-Care for Stressful Times – Our Saturday School LIVE workshop this month, worth 0.2 GS CEUs, is happening live October 24th 10:00 am – 12:00 pm pacific and will be available as a self-paced online course after that. We’ll use the Learning Zone Model to help you understand how your brain responds to stress, how to create rest and comfort during stress, and how to grow through stressful times.
Burnout Proof Bootcamp – Fall session kicks off October 7th with a LIVE support session. Earn 1.5 GS CEUs in this 6-week self-paced online course that takes you deep into the causes of burnout and the resilience of self-care habits .
Burnout Proof 101 – A one-hour intro to the Burnout Proof principles. This workshop was recorded September 30th, 2020, and is now available as a self-paced online course worth 0.1 GS CEUs.
My kids are my achilles heel. If you want to bring me to my knees, distract me, or hold me hostage – mess with my kids. When they are hurting, it stirs up every anxiety and fear in me. A couple of years ago, one of the three was having a particularly rough time and subsequently, I was a wreck.
There are multiple versions of every story. Different details, different perspectives, different angles, different altitudes – that, if we consider them, completely transform the story.
From heartbreak to miracle.
From depths of hell to merciful heaven.
From worst possible scenario, to amazing luck.
This rough time of my child’s, when now viewed through the wise lens of hindsight, was such a major catalyst for the growth of our whole family. It has brought us closer together, it has developed a depth and a maturity in the one who went through it, and it’s carved a wider valley for love and joy in me. This perspective, the one of hope, gratitude, and growth as opposed to catastrophe and loss, fills me with peace and upholds the dignity of my child and their experience. It feels empowering.
But while we were in the thick of it all? It was a terrifying nightmare that threatened to eat us alive. I wasn’t sure my precious kid would make it. I wasn’t sure I would either. I wasn’t sure of anything, and that unsureness allowed space for my wildest fears and most heartbreaking regrets to take up residence in my mind. They grew and grew and smothered me with thorny tentacles from every direction. It was hard to ever feel safe while living in this nightmare.
Photo by Michael Weidner on Unsplash
Fear is often at the core of our disempowering stories. When our thinking brain is hijacked by our reptilian brain, the worst-case scenarios take root in our thoughts, gathering energy and mass, igniting anxiety and stealing our joy.
So much energy is spent trying to escape the feeling of fear, that we often don’t allow ourselves the compassion and understanding we need while experiencing it. It’s like we’re running so frantically to get away, when that scared part of ourselves really needs us to stop and give it a hug.
Mindful awareness can be that hug we need. According to Lyra Health, mindful awareness means paying attention on purpose in the present moment without judgement. It helps us to cultivate a space for ourselves to just BE – without having to fix, change, perform, or DO.
When we shine the compassionate light of mindful awareness on the noxious weeds of our fears, we can see they’re not absolute truths. The light shines through in places. Holes can be easily poked through. There are gaps in logic and structure. What once seemed to be an impenetrable wall of sharp thorns and certain death, is now illuminated at the source to reveal a few vulnerable stalks. We then have the opportunity to pull them out by the root, and to plant and nurture the empowering seeds of truth.
Fear Self-Care Strategies: Resources for Working with Fear
Self-Care for Stressful Times – 0.2 GS CEUs – Burnout Proof Academy Saturday School Series – October 24th, 2020 10 am – 12 pm PT
Choose one of the resources above, set your timer for 5 minutes, and dive in! Working with your fears doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out process. Break it down into tiny doable pieces to prevent overwhelm and practice holding loving boundaries with yourself. This is one of the keys to being Burnout Proof.
Reflection
Over the next several weeks we’ll be exploring this process of identifying our thoughts, feeling our feelings, and cultivating more empowering and truthful beliefs.
Photo by Finn on Unsplash
I’d love to know what your experience of fear is like and any questions you have about being with it or working with it. Leave a comment below or drop me a line and let me know:
What keeps you awake at night? What does fear feel like in your body? What do you typically do when you’re feeling scared, worried, or anxious? What would you like to know about working with your fear?
Ok dear one, thanks so much for being on this journey with me. Until next time, take good care of your precious self.