Insecurity and self-doubt have been near-constant companions in my life for as long as I can remember. As a kid I worried that I was “annoying”, and spent so much time and energy curating my words and behaviors in hopes of not making anyone around me uncomfortable.
By the time I became an interpreter, I was a master chameleon. In some ways this served me well in that career – being able to take on and portray the world view, affect, and opinions of others. But internally, it left me feeling hollow and empty, or worse, at times anxious and insecure.
I spent so much time trying to conform to what I thought others wanted, that I hadn’t done the real work of developing myself. Feedback was painful and difficult to receive, because in my mind it meant someone was unhappy with me.
Part of the work of healing has been to identify my core values – why I care about the work I do, and the qualities I want to embody through it – and then to seek feedback from respected sources to help me translate those values into actions and skills.
When you have a supportive mentor in your corner, insecurities and areas of self-doubt can become welcome signals and signposts, showing you where to focus your self-development and skill-building work.
If you’re engaged in skill-building and self-development, don’t miss Shanna Grossinger of ASLMentors.com as she livestreams in The Burnout Proof Collective this Thursday! June 24th at 3:30 pm pacific – she’ll share meaningful tips for getting the most out of mentorship.
Let’s round out our gardening metaphor by planting new seeds in the fertile soil!
photo by Daniel Hajdacki
Once you’ve made space in your garden by pulling the weeds, it’s time to plant new seeds. New seeds are the thoughts and beliefs that you want to cultivate, that will serve you and help you to be your best. You can identify these thoughts by the way they make you feel: empowered, at peace, and motivated.
Affirmations
Creating affirmations is one way to plant new seeds of helpful thoughts.
“What’s a more empowering, kind, and true version of this story? What else might be going on here?”
Let’s take this unhelpful thought as an example:
“She doesn’t care about my needs.”
I notice that when I think this thought I feel sad, rejected, unimportant, and hurt. Not helpful in aligning me with my values of connection and curiosity. I feel shut down and withdrawn – rather than connected or curious.
So I ask myself, “What’s a more empowering, kind, and true version of this story? What else might be going on here?’ I like to use my journal for these questions, and just free write whatever comes to mind. You could also talk this through with a friend or therapist, or simply think about it throughout the day.
What else might be going on here?
In this scenario where I’m believing “She doesn’t care about my needs,” what else might be going on here is that she might be really focused on her own needs. I’m believing that she should be taking care of my needs – which on second glance I don’t actually agree with. A truer statement might be that I support her in taking care of her own needs, and I support me in taking care of mine.
This makes me curious about how I actually may not have been taking care of my own needs. I’ve been upset that she wasn’t caring for my needs, when in reality I was the one who was prioritizing her needs over my own.
The new seed
photo by David Travis
A more helpful thought could be: “I care about my needs,” or “I’m responsible for caring about my own needs.”
Check in with feelings
After identifying new seeds to plant, check out what feelings they spark.
When I think these new thoughts: “I care about my needs,” and “I’m responsible for caring about my own needs,” I feel a softening inside. I feel myself turn back toward myself, instead of being so focused on what the other person isn’t giving me.
When I think these new thoughts, I feel more calm, relieved, open-hearted, and curious. I feel more connected to myself, and I actually feel more connected to the other person as well.
Plant the seed
a lock screen reminder you can save on your phone
Planting the seed of this new helpful thought means installing it into your operating system, so that it can grow and flourish. This takes time and exposure. Reminders can be helpful!
I’m such a fan of sticky notes and lock screen reminders.
Sticky notes can go on your computer monitor, bathroom mirror, nightstand, kitchen cupboard, dashboard of your car, or anywhere else you spend time during the day.
A lock screen reminder is easy to create for your smartphone using an app like Word Swag or Canva.
Whatever will help you keep your new thought top-of-mind so it can grow roots and take hold.
Why isn’t my seed taking hold?
photo by Atanas Dzhingarov
Sometimes a new thought is too much of a stretch for our psyche to believe.
If you read your affirmation or new helpful thought, and you feel emotions or sensations like doubt, resistance, or skepticism, those emotions need tending before your new seed will take root.
Return to part 4 and give space and compassion to these emotions. Sometimes they just need to be witnessed, and they will dissipate on their own. Other times you may want to create a helpful thought that is more believable.
For example, if I felt skeptical when I thought, “I care about my needs,” that may simply not be true yet.
First, I would sit with the emotions that come up. I may feel sad that I haven’t cared about my own needs in the past. I might feel distrustful that I can be counted on to care about my own needs. I may feel doubtful that I can even figure out what my own needs are.
Just naming and witnessing these feelings is powerful. Placing a hand on your chest and imagining what you would say to a friend who was feeling these things can help you find compassion for yourself.
If at this point I decide that I want to find a new thought that’s more accessible or believable, I might play around with a few. Try them on and see how they feel! Some alternate, less-of-a-stretch thoughts might be:
I’m curious about my needs.
I’m willing to practice caring about my needs.
I’m willing to have needs.
When you land on a new thought that feels believable and helpful, then create your reminders and start rehearsing this new thought every chance you get!
photo by Douglas Hawkins
The gardening process
Pulling weeds and growing new plants is an ongoing process. Tending to our thoughts as we tend to a garden over time culminates in rich, fertile soil and a vibrant ecosystem of diverse, healthy life. It’s a moment-by-moment process that requires patience, persistence, and lots of self-compassion…and it’s so worth it.
Spend 5 minutes with your journal and one weed (unhelpful thought). Make a list of possible new helpful thoughts, and then try each of them on to see which feels best and is most believable.
Once you’ve identified the new seed you want to plant, create a reminder and put it somewhere you’ll see it daily!
What do you think about that? Do you actually believe it? As a hard-core people pleaser, I thought it was total BS. I’ve had a difficult history with this tiny two-letter sentence. Every time I wanted to use it, I’d feel such a rush of guilt, pressure, and fear that I’d say ‘yes’ instead, just to avoid those feelings.
I’d think:
‘What if I upset the person I’m saying ‘no’ to?’ ‘What if they don’t like me anymore? What if they think I’m inconsiderate, lazy, mean. Or what if they think that I don’t like them?!” ‘Is there any way that I could do this thing they’re asking me to do?’
I’d do anything to avoid saying ‘no,’ at the expense of my health, peace of mind, and even my relationship with the other person. Yes – even my relationships were at stake. Because, like any good people-pleaser, I was an expert at resentment. I would say ‘yes,’ to avoid saying ‘no,’ and then I would be so upset with myself that it would bleed into our relationship – I’d be upset with them by proxy.
As I became aware of the effects my unwillingness to say ‘no’ was having, there’s something that helped this lesson to sink in.
When you say “no” to one thing, you’re saying “yes” to something else. When you say “yes” to one thing, you’re saying “no” to something else.
Ahh…now things started to get interesting! There are two sides to this coin – a relationship between what I choose to give my time and energy to and what I don’t.
I began to see that I was always saying ‘no’ to something! Just, sometimes I wasn’t aware of it. And you know what I think about awareness…it’s the first magic-key to everything we want.
Photo by Michèle Eckert on Unsplash
Start with ‘Yes’
Saying ‘no’ is a bazillion times easier when you’re clear on what you’re saying ‘yes’ to instead. Know your top priorities. Identify your values or guiding principles.
If you’ve already identified that one of your core values is ‘family’, and you get a job request at the same time that your child has a special dance performance, it’s easier to know which to say ‘yes’ to (the dance performance!).
If your focus for the month is on improving your organizational systems for your business, and you come across a parenting conference that sparks your interest, you can check with your current priorities to know that the parenting conference can wait until next year. You’re saying ‘yes’ to sticking with your organizational focus.
Ask for Time
Jiu jitsu is one of my favorite sports. One of the reasons is because being good at it doesn’t rely on strength or size. Practitioners who excel are masters at using natural forces of gravity and leverage to assist their bodies in subduing their opponents.
Photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash
Here’s a jiu jitsu move for learning to love ‘no’: Ask for time to consider the request.
Practice these phrases:
“Let me think about it.”
“Let me check in with my priorities/needs/calendar.”
“I’ll get back to you.”
And don’t forget your love or kind regard for the person to whom you’re speaking! Put these phrases together with your genuine feelings, and you become a master at communicating your boundaries in a way that actually strengthens relationships.
“Thanks so much for the invitation! Let me check in with my priorities for that week and I’ll get back to you tomorrow. Does that sound ok?”
We are all in this together, dear one, and we need your deepest inner knowing and wisdom engaged as we work to create this equitable new world. Take it one tiny baby-step at a time, and remember I’m here to support you!
Sending so much love today and every day.
xo,
Brea
